Authenticity never plays games

Recently my guy and I had a misunderstanding that really woke up some of my core wounds.  

This was a great reminder for me that any relationship will force us to heal and grow, even amazingly healthy ones. 

But it also brought to mind how easy it is for us to default to old defense mechanisms and claim that we’re “just being authentic”. 

See, I have wounded parts of myself that got activated because I had concluded from something my partner said that he wanted some space from me.  

These parts wanted me to use my old strategies to “solve” the problem.

Specifically, I noticed a part that wanted to protect me by urging me to play games in an effort to regain his interest. This part thinks that the way to keep a man interested is by creating scarcity and becoming a little less available to him. She had learned from experiences (with unhealed men) that being too available leads to loss, so she thinks the problem will be solved by acting a bit aloof. 

One could argue that these reactions were completely “authentic” to me.  

I mean, that is exactly what I was "feeling” in the moment. 

But when I dug a little deeper, I was able to acknowledge that this urge to pull away wasn’t a feeling, it was a reaction to a feeling.

I was actually feeling a lot of things under that reaction, and I was using the reaction to try and protect myself.

When I was able to slow down and observe my reaction with curiosity, it became easier to look at the feelings of hurt and shame underneath.  

It’s no wonder I wanted to move a defensive reaction! Hurt and shame can feel almost unbearable to experience, let alone share with someone else! 

But here’s where the magic happened…

I told my partner what was happening internally for me.  

I told him that I was feeling very hurt and ashamed. 

I told him that a part of me was feeling the urge to play it cool for a bit to create some scarcity and stir his interest again. 

When I could admit that to my partner (and myself), I was able to tap into the more vulnerable parts of myself that these reactions were created to protect.  

I now had access to one of my vulnerable parts that was deeply hurting because it recalls all the times I’d been set to the side after a partner gets bored of me. I call this the ‘shiny new toy syndrome’. She worries that my current partner will grow bored of me because she’s felt it happen in the past.  

And another vulnerable part was reminded that it’s not safe to be too needy.  

Together, these two vulnerable parts triggered a protector part to come to the rescue and try to initiate some space to avoid smothering my partner. 

But instead of succumbing to these urges, I told him what these parts were encouraging me to do. 

And I told him about the parts they were protecting. 

I saw them as parts of my overall self, not my authentic reality.  

Calling out the urges was instrumental in helping me to avoid acting on them. 

And it helped me to own what I was really feeling directly with him.

Which ultimately helped me get my need met because I was calling him in instead of pushing him away.  

My original strategies would have created even more distance between us.

But my vulnerable strategy caused him to pull me in, apologize, and reassure me. 

Which is all I really needed.  

I needed to know that he wasn’t growing tired of me and that my drive to be close to him was desired, not overwhelming. 

In fact, he felt truly terrible for awakening those parts that he has vowed to protect.  

I say all of this as a reminder that our reactions to difficult events can either help us or harm us.  

These parts feel authentic to us but they’re actually just defense mechanisms that we needed when we were younger to survive in an environment where our power was limited.  

Being authentic isn’t about sharing our reactions unfiltered. 

Being authentic is about sharing our vulnerable emotions with trusted people. 

And that’s where true connection and intimacy are born.  

Even as I was in the depths of my pain that night, I was able to be aware that this event would actually bring us closer together. 

It provided an opportunity to build trust that - when one of us is hurting - the other will pull us in and show compassion. And that’s just what happened.  

So I invite you to try this (in multiple areas of your life): before you react in habitual ways, slow down and notice the vulnerable emotions underneath. 

Here are the primary vulnerable emotions I cover with clients:

• Hurt

• Sadness or grief

• Fear

• Helplessness or hopelessness

• Shame or embarrassment

• Guilt 

You may also feel anger or annoyance, but be sure to identify at least one of these vulnerable emotions because, nine times out of ten, it’s what’s causing the defensive reaction of anger. 

This is what it means to be authentic.

This is what it means to be loved. 

This is what you're here to do!