Fool me twice...

Most of my new clients tell me that they can’t trust themselves to pick a good partner.

They say the same thing about the men they ended up dating long-term…

“He wasn’t like that in the beginning!” or “I had no idea he would be like this”

But invariably, when we tease apart the beginning stages of the relationship, we can identify some very clear red flags.

Now let me preface everything I’m about to say with this: you are never to blame for someone’s poor treatment, that’s all on them.

But…

You most certainly are responsible for stopping someone from treating you poorly ever again.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Barring any major social oppression, once we reach adulthood we have agency to decide how we’ll let people treat us. 

Notice I didn’t say “how people treat us”, I said “how we’ll let people treat us”.

Sure, someone could be a royal asshole to me today. But the question is, will I let them do that again tomorrow? Hell no!!!

But that wasn’t always the case for me, or my clients.

I think the biggest problem many of us face in honoring this fact is our belief that we can’t receive better. Furthermore, we’re unconsciously attracted to what we experienced as children.

So let’s say your dad always made big promises but never followed through. This makes lack of follow-through seem normal to you. As a result you may not see this as a red flag when the man you’re seeing doesn’t always follow through on what he commits to.

Worst yet, because it was normalized in childhood, we just assume that’s how people are and don’t believe someone more consistent is out there.

But it is a red flag.

And I want you to start learning about all the red flags you might not have known about. 

In fact, I’m going to link an Instagram reel below that I think encompasses a majority of them in a no-nonsense (but fair) way. 

For now, I want to stress to you that you, and you alone, are the ultimate authority on how people treat you.

If you want someone who is consistent and affectionate, you need to stop dating anyone who shows you otherwise - The. Moment. You. Can. Tell.

Not a few dates later, because he’s so cute.

Right now!!!

If you have hang ups around substance abuse and your date is showing signs of dissociation or dependence, it’s time to find the exit. 

I know you might be thinking that these rules are too stringent or that you’ll run out of viable dates, but I’m telling you…

Nothing is more magnetic than having standards.

And please don’t confuse this with expecting perfection. 

I’m encouraging you to walk away from anything that indicates a person will not be able to treat you well in the long run, not someone who has natural human flaws.

So, without further ado, here’s the list…Thank you @the.self.defense.girl for this great advice: 2025 Dating Red Flags