Stop drinking the poison

So often I have a client tell me that they can’t seem to leave their relationship because their partner still does some nice things for them.

They report second-guessing their negative feelings about the relationship.

Typically, this is coming from clients who also report highly toxic behaviors from their partners.

Behaviors like:

• Not taking accountability for mistakes

• Ignoring requests for change

• Acting without considering their partner’s feelings

• Breaking trust

• Focusing on their partner’s faults and rarely noticing their positive qualities

• Blaming their partner for their bad treatment

• Name-calling

• Assigning poor character traits to their partner

• Controlling their partner through subtle or overt punishment

• Emotionally or physically abusing their partner

My client will report one or more of these behaviors from their partner, and then they’ll say something like: “But he also has these moments where he’s really kind and thoughtful”.

To which I say, it doesn’t matter (oh, and that’s just a mask to get what he wants).

No amount of ‘being nice’ can compensate for the damage that those other behaviors cause to the relationship.

They erode trust, good will, and safety.

A healthy, thriving relationship requires both parties to feel safe enough to be truly vulnerable with each other.

No human can achieve real vulnerability with anyone who would ever treat them in those ways.

Dr.’s John and Julie Gottman are the ultimate research gurus for defining healthy and toxic relationship patterns, and they’ve uncovered 4 traits that lead to relationships ending:

• Harsh start-ups (criticism)

• Defensiveness

• Contempt

• Stonewalling

Learn more about these traits in this article from the Gottman Institute.

Better yet, they’ve also identified the relationship qualities that happy couples share. Check them out here!

In my experience working with clients, I’ve found that relationships can tolerate some very occasional dips into the 4 horsemen behaviors. But they must be addressed and not allowed to continue long-term.

But, zero relationships can tolerate the unkind behaviors that I listed above.

Those behaviors create gaping holes in the foundation of the relationship.

Think about it this way: you have a nice clean glass of water (a relationship with no damaging behaviors), and you throw some salt in the water (The Gottman 4 Horsemen). 

You can still drink that water but you won’t enjoy it as much. You also won’t be able to drink it like that forever. It needs to become less salty to remain sustainable.

But imagine if someone poured a little poison into that glass. You probably wouldn’t be willing to drink it anymore, even if it was only 1% of the contents.

The entire cup is contaminated and could pose a risk to you. 

That’s what these behaviors do to a relationship. 

They’re toxic, and that poison cannot be contained. It touches everything.

You don’t know if your requests will be met with warmth or hostility. 

You don’t know if your feelings will be validated or demeaned.

You never know which version of this person you’re going to get.

And so you live as though you’re always about to drink poison.

And sometimes you do, but it’s only a small dose, and you survive, so you tell yourself that it’s not that bad to drink a little poison sometimes.

I hope you can see the insanity of this pattern!!!

I want anyone who has ever gone through this to break free and realize that you always deserve a relationship free of poisonous actions.

Remember, you deserve safety, love, and care. Don’t settle for anything less!