Stop leading with your sexuality

I did a lot of online dating in my early thirties.  

And reflecting back on it, I realize that I was leading with my sexuality. 

It seemed like the only way to attract a man. 

Like many other women, I had received the message that my looks and sexuality were the most valuable things about me. 

Because there are lots of people in the world who don't see women as people. 

They see women as a vehicle for meeting their own needs: sexual, egoic, homemaking, mothering, etc. 

I had completely internalized the message that I must prove myself capable of making a man feel good. That my service was my only value to him. 

And what would I get in return? 

A boyfriend? Perhaps a husband? 

Yeah, probably.  

But was I looking for a boyfriend or a husband? 

Not really. 

I was looking for more than that.

I was looking for a partner. 

Hmmmmmm…. 

And how could I possibly attract a partner if I was selling myself as a servant, right? 

People who want to be served aren’t looking for partners, they’re looking for people and things to use. 

Needless to say, I never found what I was looking for using this method of attraction. 

But I did find plenty of men who didn’t know how to care for themselves so they sought pleasure and validation from me and various forms of dissociation or outright addiction. 

And once they grew bored of the drug I provided, they stopped putting in the effort. 

I believe this is where many women are failing themselves in the dating world: we’re leading with our beauty and sexuality because we think it’s the only way to draw someone in. 

And this relates to Dating Mistake #5: you’re moving too quickly to sex (and/or you’re leading with sex). 

If we want to find equal partners who value our needs, feelings, and authentic selves, then we have to stop baiting men who don’t have that capacity. 

Instead, we need to lead with our truly special qualities and trust that the right man will see our worth.  

This means don’t include any sexy or sexualized photos of yourself on your profile, don’t discuss sexual topics in your messaging, and limit discussions about sex in the early dating phase to practical topics like STI testing and when sex might be an option. 

As many of you know, I am an avid supporter of the program at To Be Magnetic, and I love their philosophy of waiting at least 6 weeks to have sex with a new partner. 

This serves anyone who wants to create a partnership in the following ways:

• Sex releases oxytocin, which is a bonding hormone. This means that you’re much more likely to ignore red flags after sex because you’ve started to bond with this person and your rational brain is now in the back seat.

• As men wait for sex, their vasopressin rises, which is one of the hormones that makes them bond with a partner. Earlier sex causes his vasopressin to fall and gives him less of an opportunity to bond.

• Waiting to have sex is a good sign that a man is really interested in a woman for the long-haul. If he’s not willing to wait, he’s clearly not partner material.

So, give this a try. Remove any sexualized content in and around the early dating phases, and I just know you’ll see positive changes in the type of men you’re attracting. 

You deserve a partner, not someone to serve. So show them the real you, not the things you can do for them!