It's time to get honest about red flags in dating

I want to tell you a little story about my past dating life.

See, I was cruising along and attracting some pretty high-quality men. 

Frankly, I would see several people at a time (pro tip that we can talk about later). 

And I had a first date with this man, (let's call him Jeremy).  

We went for drinks and appetizers at a place I really like that overlooks the city. 

He was handsome, seemed to be an engaged father, and had most of the adulting boxes checked. 

But then he proceeded to spend a majority of the date talking about himself and his ex-wife!!! 

The message I got was that he saw himself as a victim of this woman and he clearly hadn’t done any healing yet. 

At the end of the date, he walked me to my car, eyed my body like a piece of very juicy meat, and moved forward to kiss me. 

And you know what I did? 

I let him!!! 

I kissed this man who clearly had serious red flags!!!

In fact, I let him grope my ass!!! 

Worst yet, I accepted a second date with him!!! During which he further objectified my body and very cavalierly invited me back to his place (don’t worry, I declined). 

I did all of this under the justification that I could have a little fun while I was looking for something more serious. Talk about some Olympic-level mental gymnastics!

The real reason I did this was because parts of me were still attracted to emotionally unavailable men and I enjoyed the attention and sexual tension.

Yet he clearly wasn’t the type of man I was seeking for a long-term partner. 

I tell you all this to highlight how easy it is to fall for our old traps and justifications. 

We’re addicts for our old patterns and unhealed wounds. 

And so we come back to Dating Mistake #3: we’re picking people based on our trauma, not our long-term dating goals. 

It’s way too easy to do and then we find ourselves in relationships that are even harder to leave! 

So, let’s get solution-oriented. 

You remember that list of qualities you want in a partner? If not, go back to my post from a couple of days ago. 

Well, now I want you to create your list of what you don’t want in a partner.  

This is your “no-go” list (AKA a list of red flags). 

Here are some items you may want to include:

• Talks primarily about themselves and shows a lack of curiosity in me

• Wants to know my body before my mind

• Sees their exes as the problem and doesn’t take accountability for their part in past relationships

• Fails to plan ahead to see me

• Is inconsistent in communication or intention

• Has difficulty emotionally regulating or becomes hostile in conflict 

Be sure to include red flags that you tend to overlook to keep yourself honest. These are your weaknesses so you’ll have to be extra vigilant! 

Now go forth and date with your two lists in hand! 

And be honest with yourself when you see these red flags. They don’t mean caution, they mean turn around and leave! 

I promise that once you raise your standards, your options will also rise.

Men with high standards are not attracted to women with low standards, so you’ll need to heal these patterns in order to become visible to them. 

And if you find that you’re still having trouble walking away from your red flags, I highly encourage you to seek out a good therapist who can help you with subconscious healing (think EMDR, IFS, Deep-brain reorienting, or parts work). 

Once you heal those core wounds, the men with red flags will lose their appeal. 

So, give this a try and let me know how it goes! 

Raise your standards and your life will change!