Real Love Requires Vulnerability

As we move into the fall season, the idea of snuggling up with our special someone becomes even more enticing.

One major difference I see between my clients and friends who have the love they want and those who don’t is their ability to be vulnerable with a partner.

If you’ve been burned before (and we all have, right?), it’s almost painful to consider being vulnerable in the dating process. 

We develop endless protective mechanisms to avoid getting hurt again:

• We play games

• We don’t express our true desires

• We engage with emotionally unavailable people

• We become TOO attached too quickly

• We follow dating rules and ignore our intuition 

Bottom line, we stop trusting ourselves and other people.

And I’m not recommending that you ever trust someone without making them earn it.

But we can still be vulnerable and warm and trust-ING as we vet new people.

Here are some examples of being vulnerable as opposed to lacking boundaries.

Lacking Boundaries

• Texting a new date constantly to try and build intimacy

• Sharing private details of your life too early, like mental health diagnoses, details of your divorce, or identifying information about your kids, etc.

• Emotionally or openly planning a future with someone you just met

Being Vulnerable:

• Telling someone new that you had a nice time and want to see them again

• Sharing details about yourself that expose some of your sillier or embarrassing qualities

• Telling your date up front  what you really want in a relationship, even the big stuff (marriage, kids, polyamory, a life partner, you name it!)

We need to maintain healthy boundaries to prevent people from causing real harm to our hearts, bodies, or finances.

Lacking boundaries generally means you’ve given someone access to something important of yours without making sure they can be trusted with it. 

For example, having healthy boundaries for me looks like waiting to have sex with someone new until we’ve decided to be monogamous and have STI testing done. This practice creates time for someone to show me who they are, demonstrates their commitment to getting to know me, and – most  importantly – shows that they can prioritize my sense of safety over their immediate desires.  

Now, getting back to the issue of vulnerability: the only way to truly know someone and be known is through vulnerability. 

And isn’t that what love is? It’s knowing and being known.

I’m sure you don’t just want to land some guy out there. You want to be known and cherished…for who you truly are.

Well, that will require you to show people who you truly are and let the wrong ones walk away.

This tremendous act of courage requires a sense of inherent worthiness.

Brene Brown says “Vulnerability is our most accurate measure of courage.”

She also says that “The people who have a strong sense of love and belonging, BELIEVE they are worthy of love and belonging.” 

So, how can you be courageous today? 

How can you believe in your worthiness to be loved?

What steps are you ready to take towards being known? 

If you’re ready to heal your wounds around worthiness, check out these resources.

If nothing else, remind yourself today that you are worthy of being loved just as you are, and that your person will be so grateful to know the real you when you let them in.